Manas Chakravarty

If my partner doesn’t turn up for Valentine’s, I’ll take my wife out

There are so many offers for everything in the market on the occasion. The first Valentine was thrown to the lions. Probably because he didn’t have a credit card.

Will we have ‘Socialism with Hindutva characteristics’?

Has Modiji become Comrade Modi? Is this ‘Socialism with Hindutva characteristics’?

Donald Trump for President, in America or in India

A traditionalist lady opposing the entry of women into temples said she just lapped up all that Trump had to say.

Imagine this: Many benefits of programme called ‘Name in India’

What if a campaign like Name in India is started to name entities like flowers, animals, viruses and businesses after politicians? What if there’s a ministry and a system to capitalise the naming industry in India? What if ...?

A conservative at some times on certain days

Imagine my delight when my boss tells me I’ve got a fat bonus. This is the beauty of the free market.

Gimme Kashmir: The problem of talking peace with Pakistan

Here is an excerpt from a purported meeting between top policy makers agonising over whether we should talk to Pakistan:

The day Dawood Ibrahim gave his retirement speech

When the underworld don decided to retire on his 60th birthday, “Nothing delighted me more than dreaming up an extortion racket, masterminding a kidnapping, devising a strategy for smuggling” he said.

Where is Yogi Adityanath when he’s needed most?

‘Where oh where is Yogi Adityanath?’ wailed a flunkey. ‘Why are Sadhvi Prachi, Sanjeev Baliyan and the Haryana chief minister being muzzled?’ thundered a big shot. ‘It smacks of intolerance,’ he added. ‘Even General VK Singh hasn’t put his foot in his mouth for weeks’, said a heavyweight sadly, ‘It’s a vast conspiracy to malign us.’

A big fat Bengali wedding, with acid reflux

Long before the date of the wedding is decided, long before we book the venue, long before anybody knows who the groom is, we fix the food.

Bihar booze ban: The glass won’t be empty for too long now

When a class of active booze connoisseurs sat together to discuss the latest ban in Bihar, a drunk economist said: ‘The Drink Ban is a measure aimed at encouraging cottage industry.’

Shorts, Ashoka, cows and travel broke the BJP’s back

The BJP’s attempt to showpiece Ashoka did not work… those whose ancestors died in the kalinga war voted against the bjp: Historian

The Gujarat model is last year’s news: Haryana has a new one

This Bihar election is extremely significant, not just for the state, but for all of India. The results will answer a number of crucial questions.

If nothing works, pour blue ink on the writers

Let’s shape India’s future, one small bite at a time

Inaugurating the Indian Institute of Beef Detectives, the minister for prohibition of beef said, amidst wild cheers, that India’s skills in beef detection were the best in the world and he planned to appoint 5 million new beef inspectors.

At the UN, gestures speak louder than words

Mr Sharif waved at Mr Modi, who on seeing Mr Sharif waving at him, smiled back and responded with a wave.

My final offer is $20bn: A ‘conversation’ between Modi and Zuckerberg

This is an alleged transcript of the PM’s meeting with Mark Zuckerberg in California, from a completely unreliable source.

Meditation good for plants but what about insects?

Radha Mohan Singh, the agriculture minister, has been telling an audience of agricultural scientists and farmers that we must use Rajyog to enhance the potency of seeds and empower them by positive thinking.

Meditation good for plants but what about insects?

Radha Mohan Singh, the agriculture minister, not to be confused with RadheMaa, has been telling an audience of agricultural scientists and farmers that we must use Rajyog to enhance the potency of seeds and empower them by positive thinking.

Alcohol, being vegetarian, will never be banned here

Manas Chakravarty's hilarious take on the recently imposed beef ban in different parts of the nation.

Sheena murder: We must go where no story has ever gone before

Are we journalists doing enough? Are we leaving no grisly stone unturned, are we exhausting all macabre possibilities while keeping you up-to-the-minute on the diabolical killing of Sheena Bora?

Don’t jump now, the end of the world is postponed

It’s all a giant financial bubble. All the bubbles are bursting. The end of the world is nigh: sceptic

Those who have failed all exams must rule us now

The BJP is likely to lose the support of 189 million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and fifty school students, all of them potential future voters, if Smriti Irani scraps the no-fail policy writes Manas Chakravarty

Big Brother Banerjee from Bangalore may just ban you

Manas Chakravarty's take on the various bans imposed by the government.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane ... it’s Gajendra Chauhan

Manas Chakravarty talks of some of the scripts of alleged films made recently made by FTII students.

Lessons in sloganeering, punching, etc — apply now

As a first step in an exciting political career, one that will bring you fame, power, pelf, bungalows, flunkeys, fabulous perks, junkets and freebies you need to join a political party. Nowadays, a missed call is enough for the purpose. Novices have asked us if they should wait till parties start offering gift vouchers, but you shouldn’t be greedy. That can always come later.

'Are we alone?' No, you will be far from being lonely

'Are we alone'? -- Does life exist in other planets? Manas Chakravarty takes you through some of the responses to this question.

Let a 100 stocks bloom and shares leap forward

"For too long have proletarian stock buyers been ground beneath the heels of an oppressive stock selling bourgeoisie, aided and abetted by running dogs of imperialism. Remember the famous slogan, ‘Stock buyers of the world, unite; you have nothing to lose but your shares.’"

We’re in a crisis and it’s all Greek to me right now

I’ve had a very tough week with the Greek crisis. It was very exciting when it began and everybody started writing about Grexit, short for a Greek exit from the euro. We immediately started doing stories about a Grextension, or extension of loans to Greece. I wrote a headline saying a Grollover, or rollover of Greek debt, would be nice. When the Greek government called for a referendum, we dubbed it a Greferendum.

They’re a lovely bunch, and come highly recommended

The shenanigans around Lalit Modi seem to involve Vasundhara Raje helping him for being a close family friend and Sushma Swaraj assisting him on humanitarian grounds. There are good reasons for doing so, as these historical documents show.

The scams are back and all is right with the world

The nation heaved a huge collective sigh of relief as revelations of alleged improprieties surfaced against Sushma Swaraj, Vasundhara Raje and Smriti Irani. ‘It was getting too much,’ said an aggrieved citizen, ‘over a year had passed for the new government, without any skeletons tumbling out of the cupboard. This was highly irregular. Thankfully, things are now rapidly coming back to normal.’