If my partner doesn’t turn up for Valentine’s, I’ll take my wife out

It’s Valentine’s Day and there’s so much to do. There are so many choices on offer I really can’t make up my mind. There are such good discounts on chocolates, but which ones should I choose? Should it be Choco Delicacies or those heart-shaped ones called Hearty Bonanza? For a small fee, helpful people will deliver flowers to your loved one. Which combination to pick? Should it be the wicked ‘Sweet Sin’, or ‘Romantic Thrill’ or even better, ‘Chocolicious Roses’? I think I’ll keep it simple with the KISS ‘Keep it Simple Silly’ bouquet. Best of all, these offers come with ‘easy refund and cancellation’.

What else can I buy? I’ve got an email about a ‘Be Mine Forever’ gift made exclusively for Valentine’s Day, consisting of a red teddy bear clutching a heart and a personalised mug at a ridiculously cheap price. The thing about personalised mugs, I’m told, is to ‘make them feel the warmth of your love with every sip’. I was wondering why they used ‘them’ instead of ‘her’ or him’, but then I read the fine print which mentioned a hefty discount for bulk orders. Bulk orders for Valentine’s Day? Some people have all the luck.

I’m tempted to check out the power sunglasses, which say ‘buy one get one free’. It isn’t clear, though, whether one gets another pair of sunglasses or a partner free.

But one shouldn’t be a skinflint today. So maybe a more expensive gift? The mobile phone with cash back looked good, until I found out it had ‘conditions attached’. Or should I rent a gorgeous car to impress her? The thought occurred to me after seeing this masterpiece in my inbox: ‘Make her heart go vroom.’ There’s also jewellery, of course, with up to 60% discounts and a Rs 4,000 bonus membership rewards points as welcome gift’.

Gifts sorted out, which restaurant should we go to and what’s on the menu? I think we should have oysters and figs, both with aphrodisiac qualities that will ensure a gratifying end to a Valentine’s Day dinner. I’ve already booked a hotel that advertised, ‘The savings have never been sweeter with Valentine day hotel deals’.

There is the small problem of getting a partner for all this. If you don’t have a significant other, choose an insignificant one. I have already asked a Nigerian lady who very graciously wants to gift me a million dollars and a woman who mailed me saying, ‘Hi, I want to be your friend’ to be my Valentine. If they don’t make it, I’ll have to take my wife out.

Of course, online dating services are just a click away. For women, I recommend going to Hong Kong, where you can rent a guy from ‘Rent-a-Gent’ for a reasonable fee. Their gents are trained to ‘act like a gentleman — caring, attentive, no swear words nor smoking allowed’. Their premium services are called ‘Handy Randy’ and ‘Beyond Brad Pitt’.

Rumour has it that Valentine of Rome, the first guy to sign a note to a lady with ‘Your Valentine’, was shortly thereafter thrown to the lions. That’s probably because he didn’t have a credit card.

(This article was published first on Feb 13, 2016)

The views expressed are personal