Tired of your partner's lies? US-based couples therapist shares 4 ways to approach uncomfortable conversations

Honesty is one of the fundamental foundations of a relationship. It makes a safe space and nurtures trust. But this very trust is put at risk by lies. Telling a lie isn’t always just about a major betrayal. Small fibs, here and there, may seem inconsequential, but each one chips away at trust, creating fractures over time and eventually to the point of no return.

Dr Marina Rosenthal, a couples therapist, took to Instagram to address what to say when a partner lies to you in different scenarios. She added, “The thing is, people do lie sometimes. Even your partner. Even if they love you. So responding in a way that is both firm and curious is key, because coming in hot will just get you a whole bunch of defensiveness and worst case scenario more lies.”

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How to address a partner who is lying

Lying exists on a big spectrum. Some lies are serious breaches of trust, like cheating, and may even be a definite deal-breaker, while other types of lies may be trivial white lies. But even white lies can create distance, fostering misunderstandings over time.

Explaining this, Marina added, “The examples I’m giving here are lower level lies or fibs. I am purposefully NOT talking about big, epic betrayal lies (like spending large amounts of money without your partner’s permission, infidelity, secret substance use). I am also not talking here about pervasive lies as part of a pattern of abuse. These are very complicated and nuanced topics.”

She shared situations and examples of how to ask your partner about the lie. It may be an awkward situation, even uncomfortable, but it's important to sit together and clarify it.

• When they went back on their word: "You told me that you kept that conversation we had private, but I found out that you actually shared it with your mom. I feel really betrayed and confused."
• When they lied to avoid conflict: "I asked if you had scheduled the kids' swim lessons, and you said yes. But now I am seeing that you didn't actually schedule them. I am feeling very frustrated and confused. Can you explain what happened here?"
• When they lied about something trival: "I am honestly really confused why you would tell me that you loved my favourite movie when in fact you've never seen it. Help me understand."
• When they omitted a detail: "I noticed you shared one part of that story but that there were other parts missing. I'm feeling worried that you are purposefully leaving those parts out. Can you help me understand why you didn't mention everything that happened."

Responding calmly to partner's lies

It is very important to maintain a calm and composed demeanour when addressing the issue of lying. The very first instinct may well be rage, lashing out. But it's crucial to pause and think.

Dr Marina urged to pause and not look at the lies only from black and white lenses. She explained, “If you’re finding yourself flaring up with rage at the idea that you might consider how to respond respectfully to your partner when they LIED to you, pause for a moment to wonder - have you ever lied about something small to a partner? To avoid conflict? To be perceived in a better light? Because you were lazy, scared, tired, or selfish? Even if you haven’t, most people have. So looking at this through a black and white lens is probably not that helpful for the real world.”

Dishonesty can't be justified, but it's important to approach the situation with faith and try to understand the nuances. Reacting to a situation like this won't help. With only honest conversation, couples can come out stronger.

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Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.