What is emotional monitoring? How to break the pattern?

Sometimes we subconsciously try to adapt to the moods of others because we feel that we constantly need to please them. In this process, we are always in the mode of scanning the moods of others to understand how they are feeling, and how we can involve ourselves to make them feel better. This is called emotional monitoring. This mostly happens when we are brought up in homes where we did not feel safe, within the confines of parents who went into rage spirals very often gave us silent treatment. Hence, we developed emotional monitoring as a coping mechanism to make ourselves feel safe. Addressing this, Psychologist Nicole LePera wrote, "When we give people around us space and trust that they can cope with their emotions—we create intimacy and connection." She further explained how emotional monitoring develops and how we can break this pattern:

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Emotional monitoring looks like this:

Constantly checking on others if they are okay: We constantly try to understand if a person is doing fine – if they are not, we try to involve ourselves to make them feel better.

Extreme anxiety when someone else feels bad: When a close friend or loved one is hurt, we sense extreme anxiety within ourselves as well.

Focus on other's mood shifts: We keep a close eye on the shifting of moods of others and try to adapt to it.

Replaying social interactions: We are constantly in the habit of replaying the interactions we have had with others to find faults about ourselves.

How to break this pattern?

Become aware: We need to take a break and slow things down. We need to notice how often we try to understand the moods of others and how that affects us.

Introspect: When we are too focused about other's moods, we hardly get time to do introspection. For a change, we should journal the thoughts we have and try to address them.

Emotional tolerance: When someone wants to have some space for themselves, we should respect their boundaries and allow them to have the same.

Don’t seek perfection: "You will fall back into the habit and that’s ok. Just be aware and redirect your energy," added the therapist.