Signs of defensive communication in an argument

In a relationship, when a person starts to get defensive, it can be very harmful for the space for communication. A healthy relationship demands a space for clear communication that initiates growth for the partners involved. But when one of the partners starts to get defensive, the space for feedback and sharing is lost. "No quicker way to invalidate someone besides getting defensive. A defensive communication style is harmful to relationships (platonic, friendships, familial)," wrote Therapist Israa Nasir. She further noted down a few signs of defensive communication in an argument to look out for.

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Shifting the conversation: When a person starts to get defensive, it can lead to distraction from the problem at hand. By drawing examples of what about situations, the defensive partner can completely shift the focus and sidestep the need to explain themselves. This lacks empathy and is harmful for the relationship in the long term.

Sharing similar experiences: While it is important to have the space to share the experiences with others, when one partner talks of their experiences that have caused them sadness or trauma, it is best to refrain from sharing similar experiences and downplaying their feelings.

Deflecting blame: Often defensive communication is done as a way of deflecting the blame for actions committed by the partner and shifting the blame to the other person. This also diverts the conversation and shifts the attention to something completely irrelevant to the situation.

Tone policing: This is done as a way of establishing a power dynamic between the couple where the words spoken are avoided and the tone in which it is spoken is focused on.

Interruption: In the middle of sharing things, often a partner tries to interrupt the other one – this is done as a way of showing a power dynamic or defending themselves. This can also be seen as a way of showing disrespect or dismissing the other person.