How to learn to tolerate discomfort to be secure in relationships?

Tolerating discomfort does not mean that we have to put up with a toxic relationship. Neither does it mean tolerating abusive behavior from our partners and staying back in the relationship. It simply means that relationship satisfaction majorly depends on the way we can compromise on how we deal with our own distress and create a space for ourselves and also our partners to express honestly. "Being in a secure relationship requires both people to simultaneously tolerate their own distress while hearing and holding space for the other person's distress. If you didn’t see your parents doing this with each other at home, or you weren’t taught these skills, it can be difficult to implement once you form your own close relationships (with both friends or partners)," wrote Therapist Sadaf Siddiqi as she explained the concept of tolerating discomfort for more secure relationships.

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"Research shows that this skill is associated with greater relationship satisfaction as well as personal development. This is a skill that takes a lot of time and practice, but once you get there…it’s truly life changing," Sadaf further added as she shared a few tips:

Practice accepting no from the partner: in some situations, we are so adamant about wanting our partners to agree with us, that we are not able to handle a no from them. In such situations, we should learn to practice understanding their situations and why they may be telling a no.

Understanding difficult emotions: When we start to understand that it is always not just about us, but also of the other person who may be going through difficult times and handling difficult emotions, we immediately become more secure people to be with in relationships.

Respect autonomy of the other person: It is wrong to think that the other person should think like us. Instead, we should respect their decisions and try to understand where they are coming from.

Intentionally holding space: When we stop being judgmental and start holding space for others to be what they are, we learn to tolerate discomfort.

Listening: Active listening and trying to understand the other person is a healthy habit in a relationship.