Signs your relationship is doomed and how to cope with a break up

Oftentimes, relationships can be salvaged if you are smart enough to notice the small changes. Subtle changes in your behaviour and actions - whether your own, or your partners - can be indicative of your equation taking a turn for the worse.

And it’s not just young, unmarried folks, married couples too end up navigating choppy waters. Sonal Sheth, counselling psychotherapist, Bhatia Hospital, Mumbai, is currently dealing with a case where a couple has been married for 12 years. Life turned mechanical and the husband and wife were together because it was convenient. Intimacy took a hit and the husband began to turn to other women. According to Sheth, this is quite a common scenario these days.

“You need to notice when things begin to change. Just because you’re married or there are kids involved, doesn’t mean all is well,” she says.

How to tell if you’re falling out of love:

In the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you spend as much time with each other as possible. But when your relationship is no longer a priority, that’s the first sign something’s amiss. “Eventually, you don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore,” says Sheth.

Next, your communication is not so great anymore. “You’re either fighting or getting on each other’s nerves all the time, or you’re silently in your own world,” says Sheth. This means that you’ve become withdrawn, preferring to engross yourself in TV/mobile, rather than sharing things with your significant other.

Your physical intimacy also suffers. Things in the bedroom are just not the same anymore. “You start to wonder if you really need to be faithful. You may begin to feel trapped,” shares Sheth. You might even fantasize about walking out of the door. While a certain level of independence is essential, if you’re making solo trip plans just to be alone, tread with caution.

Another sign of trouble is when you just don’t care anymore. You’re less tolerant with your partner. For instance, if they’ve had a bad day at work and you know it, but you still can’t bring yourself to be considerate.

So, if your relationship has well and truly fallen apart, here are some ways to cope with a break up.

First off, you need to set off on a journey of self-discovery. This is an absolutely unmissable and essential step. You need to realise that life is about you, and not your ex. Dr Natasha Kate, consultant psychiatrist, Nanavati Super Speciality Hospital, Mumbai, says, “Make a true assessment of your likes and dislikes. Sometimes, in a relationship, you tend to become dependent on the other person’s views. Develop your own, even if people disagree with them.”

Develop a support system to see you through this tough time. Reach out to your family and close friends - or even office colleagues if you are close to them. “It’s not advisable to withdraw into a shell. Talk to your loved ones. Let them know that you want their support. And if you don’t want their advice or guidance, tell them to just hold your hand through this phase,” says Dr Kate. “It’s important to talk about how you feel, rather than just discuss what happened.”

But whatever you do, avoid getting in touch with your ex. They are your ex for a reason. “You may bargain in your head, that if I get that particular job, I might win them back, or some such,” says Dr Kate. But that’s not a good idea.

Worse still, is getting into a rebound relationship. Resist the temptation to download a dating app or go for a casual hook up. “A break up is a form of grief. It takes time to heal. Even if you go on a date, you will compare them to your ex. You’ll never grow as a person if you do that,” she opines.

Acceptance is a crucial aspect. Accept that fact that while there were good times, your relationship has ended. Maybe it was not meant for the long run. “There may be people better suited for you out there. Happiness can be found in the smallest of things. A break up is not the end of your life,” she says.

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