No you can’t fix him! Here’s why you need to stop your saviour syndrome for the red flags

Red flags are overlooked and they are embraced to be ‘fixed.’ This ‘fixing’ behaviour is harmful. Here's how you can unlearn loving the ‘thorns’.  ...read more

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Published on Jun 26, 2024 12:52 PM IST

1. Open your eyes: There’s just something so irresistible about the dark, brooding man shrouded in mysteries. Even though his red flags are as clear as the day, the ardent need to ‘fix him’ overshadows everything. You overlook the red flags like emotional manipulation, abusive disposition, gaslighting, lack of accountability, and repeated toxic behaviour. Maybe it’s the ‘halo effect’, where one aspect like the physical appearance may be appealing. The positive perception of one element permeates into other areas, creating a false belief of perfection for this toxic person. If he’s handsome, he is also smart and caring. Love should not be some one-sided rescue mission. So, take off your rose-tinted glasses and wake up. You don’t owe anyone anything and no one needs any ‘fixing.’ By disregarding the red flags, you might even invite violence on your way, disturbing your mental and physical safety.  (Pixabay)

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2. You are NOT a therapist: Your kind heart cries for everyone. While it’s good to be helpful, everyone’s responsible for healing traumas in their own way. It’s natural to lend a helping hand to your partner, but it’s exhausting when it fails to yield any result, not unless your partner acknowledges his red flags. You may feel the need to fix this person because your past trauma resembles his, and in a way, you are healing yourself by ‘fixing’ him. But, it will worsen YOUR healing process, and you’re back to the drawing board.   (Pexels)

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3. Break the vicious cycle: Your benevolent behaviour for his beguiling words and actions further prompt repeats of the same toxic behaviour in the future. The compassion you show traps both of you in a loop, where your kindness triggers his toxicity. There’s an unhealthy reliance on you to solve the problems, instead of addressing it himself. Stop this toxic dependency, and instead work towards independence and self-sufficiency. (Pexels)

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4. Self-care is non-negotiable: The altruism in this kind of relationship goes unnoticed, only taken for granted. A burnout brews deep inside, where all your energy is directed towards your partner. It festers into terrible fatigue and identity loss. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Instead of cooing him like a baby, go take a day out and pamper yourself without any burden. Prioritise your needs, to make sure you are always fit enough to lend a helping hand to those actually in need. Direct your desire to help others, to yourself first. (Pixabay)

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5. Listen more, don't dive head-first: The compulsion to help these red flags can be avoided. Engage in active listening, if they are speaking, be empathetic with boundaries. Sometimes that brooding, mysterious guy just needs a safe space to open up and not anyone to fall for him and ‘fix’ him. (Pexels)

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6. The art of letting go: There’s beauty in the broken, but it can only be admired from a distance. Holding onto the broken shards will make your cuts run deeper. Not everything will be in your control, not everyone needs your care. Learn the art of supporting, and not steering, let them navigate their life. Letting go is painful, but cathartic. (Pexels)