What if the person you’re obsessed with isn’t right for you? Dating coach explains what is limerence, how it affects us

Have you ever had feelings for another person that were too powerful to control? You may have just met them recently, but their attention or lack of it made you miserable or became the highlight of your day. Your need to be with this seemingly harmless crush became so much stronger than your attachment to reality. Well, this may not be just a simple crush or connection. That’s limerence. And it’s an increasingly popular topic.

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On March 9, Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach and host of The Sabrina Zohar Show, shared a video in which she talked about this psychological concept. She stitched a video of a woman crying over romanticising someone she had just met and blaming herself for being this way. Then, Sabrina explained how this concept of involuntary attachment to another person on an obsessive level affects our lives and stems from low self-esteem and childhood trauma.

What is limerence?

Sabrina posted the clip with the caption, “What if the person you’re obsessed with…isn’t even right for you? What if the reason you can’t stop thinking about them isn’t love—but a chemical addiction to the chase?”

Watch the video here.

Sabrina then explained what limerence actually is. Per the dating coach, “Limerence tricks you into believing the highs and lows mean something deeper. That the anxiety in your chest is passion, not a warning sign. That if you just prove your worth, they’ll finally choose you. But real love doesn’t leave you questioning. It doesn’t keep you hooked on mixed signals, breadcrumbs, or the hope that maybe this time will be different.”

She added that limerence is just a deep infatuation with somebody in a very short amount of time without really knowing them. “The problem is that it feels like love, and so when that limerent object doesn't work out, which oftentimes it doesn't, because when you're obsessed with someone, very rarely you're actually connecting with them, then of course, it's a hell in a handbasket. But what's actually happening here is it's just your brain is braining.”

What happens when you are in limerence?

Per Sabrina, when you are in limerance, your cortisol spikes, and your dopamine drops. When your dopamine drops below baseline, you will do anything, or your brain will, to naturally survive to replenish that dopamine. That includes being obsessive about somebody else because it's constantly giving you that fix.

For the uninitiated, dopamine is a rewarding drug you get in anticipation of, mixed with your nervous system. “When you are dysregulated, and you're starting to fantasise and idealise, oftentimes, what's happening is you're more so in your amygdala than you're in your pre-frontal cortex. And your nervous system is dysregulated,” she added.

When you dysregulate, you're often perceiving a threat, and you believe this person is your safety - they are going to keep you safe - and usually, that comes from childhood core beliefs, traumas, and wounds.

How do deal with these feelings?

However, Sabrina pointed out that the more you hate, shame, and blame yourself for having these natural parts of being a human, the further away from healing you actually are. “What's important here is to asses, 'How old do I feel when I'm having these intense reactions to somebody I literally don't know?', ‘Do I feel like the adult or do I feel like a child?’. Regulate your nervous system, return to the present moment, and remember this isn't your caregivers. These are random people you're meeting on the internet,” she concluded.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.