Spectator by Seema Goswami: The ate O’clock rules
Stop hunching over your phone screen at dinner, stop showing up with uninvited friends, say thank you more. It’s not hard
Having dinner with some acquaintances the other night, I came up against the bad manners that seem to characterise all human interaction these days. Two of the men on the table simply could not be parted from their phones no matter how interesting the conversation on the table. Their phones kept pinging and they kept picking them up to answer messages, check their WhatsApp, scroll through Twitter and reply to emails. The message was clear. They were far too important and doing far too many important things to waste their time with unimportant beings like us. By the end of the evening, I was wondering why they had bothered to come to dinner at all, given that they had no interest in the company and none in the food. They may as well have spent the evening at home with their phones and a sandwich.
But the experience did get me thinking. Why is there such a dire lack of etiquette in our dealings with one another? Why are good manners disappearing from society? And why do these manners fails irk me so much? Here, in no particular order of importance, are just some of them.
Keeping your phone on ring and face up on the phone when you are in a meeting (or having a meal) with someone. Even if you don’t pick it up or answer it, the mere presence of your phone on the table is a reminder that your attention is not fully on the real-life interaction you are having. Part of your mind is always on your phone and the activity going on within it. And that’s just disrespectful of those you are face to face with. Either keep your phone in your pocket or put it on silent and place it face down on the table and pay attention to the person speaking to you in real life.
If you are invited to dinner at somebody’s house, then don’t just turn up with a plus one (or worse, a party of people) without informing the host. They have probably taken a lot of trouble over the table seating and the food. And changing the numbers at the last moment can really throw their plans out of gear. Not to mention that they may not have enough food or dessert to go around.
If someone sends you a gift then have the decency to thank them for it. In this age of casual discourtesy nobody expects a handwritten note of thanks accompanied by flowers. But the very least you can do is send an SMS or a voice note saying thank you. And ideally a day or so after receiving the gift — not a month later, and then, only because you’ve been prodded by the sender asking if you actually received the gift.
If someone hands their phone over to show a picture don’t immediately start scrolling back and forth through the photo gallery. Just because they are showing you one picture it doesn’t mean that they are happy to have you to go through all their photos. If you don’t have the decency to hand the phone back immediately then at least ask for permission before you start scrolling.
From HT Brunch, February 08, 2025
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