Spectator by Seema Goswami: Please note the change of address
We’ll readily use Mister for a man, but call women by their first name in the press, on social media, in life. Something’s amiss
It was an innocuous enough question. So, I didn’t think too much about it when the guide on one of our recent trips asked my husband and me: “Is it okay if I address you by your first names?” Of course it was, we responded, and I thought no more about it.
But that was before I noticed that while he always called me “Seema” my husband was never first-named by him. Instead, he either had an honorific added – as in “Mr Vir” – or was respectfully addressed as “Sir”. And once my attention was drawn to this discrepancy, it was hard to ignore it. Every single time I heard him say “Seema” and then address my husband with a reverential “Sir” I could feel my temper rising. And it was only by exercising every iota of restraint I had at my command that I refrained from upbraiding him for this two-tier name-calling.
My husband tried to excuse the guide’s behaviour on the grounds of age, explaining that he was calling me by my first name because I seemed younger than him. But frankly, that didn’t cut much ice with me. My husband may be older than me but I was clearly a decade older than the guide; so age could not be a factor in his decision to first-name me consistently while “Mistering” my spouse.
What accounted for the difference, then? Well, if you ask me, the difference stemmed from an internalised misogyny that tells men that while older men must be treated with respect, older women don’t deserve the same deference. The societal norms that give women a lower status than men are so deeply entrenched in us that we don’t even think about them any longer – we just act in accordance with them.
Think about it. How often have you seen Prime Minister Modi referred to as Narendra in the media? Or heard home minister Shah called by his first name, Amit, on television? They are always respectfully referred to by their last names. Finance minister Nirmala Sitharaman, on the other hand, is first-named all the time. The chief minister of West Bengal is routinely referred to as “Mamata” in the newspapers, without even the courtesy of an honorific added. Sonia Gandhi is always “Sonia” in news reports. Smriti Irani, Mahua Moitra, Renuka Chowdhury, think of any female politician of note and check how they are referred to in the media. In nine cases out of 10, they will be addressed by their first names rather than their last.
If you were to challenge the media on this, they would have their defences ready. Oh, we call her Sonia rather than Gandhi so as to not confuse her with Rahul (right!). It’s easier to fit Nirmala in a headline than Sitharaman (really?). Everyone knows her as Mamata anyway, so why confuse readers and listeners by calling her Banerjee (how very obliging, to be sure!).
And I am sure if I had challenged our guide, he would have had some explanation as to why I was “Seema” while my husband was “Sir”. But the thing about misogyny is that you know it when you see it and feel it. And once you have seen and felt it, no excuse – no matter how inventive – can remove its sting.
From HT Brunch, December 14, 2024
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