Guest Column Monisha Sharma: Decoding gaslighting
As Merriam-Webster picks “gaslighting” as the word of the year, a therapist breaks down the meaning of the oft-confused term
Gaslighting is an act of manipulation and emotional abuse that makes the one being abused doubt their own feelings and perception of something they’re experiencing, making them feel like their abuser is right and they are wrong.
Different factors
In a romantic relationship, gaslighting takes place when one partner rationalises their own jealous behaviours as something caused by their partner as being flirtatious, instead of taking responsibility for their own behaviours.
Even in sexual harassment cases, gaslighting takes place when the survivor’s clothes are blamed or when clothing choices are controlled under the guise of protection.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional/psychological abuse that can be present in certain personality disorders or clinical conditions. It can also be an outcome of social issues like patriarchy, gender-based violence, intimate partner violence, racism, religion or caste discrimination, or unresolved trauma, fear of abandonment, or even learned from watching the ways our parents address conflict.
The cycle
Gaslighting typically takes place over a period of time. It can even feel cyclical, where an episode of abuse is followed with gifts, affection, etc, thus making the abuser’s behaviour even more confusing for the person on the receiving end.
A gaslighter will also often claim that the individual’s friends and family are in the wrong as a way to isolate the person further.
To break the cycle, you must rebuild your relationship with yourself. Working with a qualified mental health professional can enable you to recognise that regardless of whether a reaction is being labelled as “overreaction” or not, you feel what you feel.
Monisha Sharma, 30, is a Bengaluru psychotherapist, who believes therapy is a collaborative effort between the client and the therapist, journeying towards a deeper awareness of the self.
I Say Chaps is a column that allows passionate, creative people a platform to have their say.
From HT Brunch, December 24, 2022
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