Ghosting, Nanoship, Pocketing: Are labels making dating more complicated?
Dating is hard. New labels make it worse. Kittenfishing. Paperclipping. Micro-cheating. Let’s just focus on the people, shall we?
Sit this one out, Cupid. The best pairing of our time is not Tom and Zendaya or Meghann Fahy and Leo Woodall. It’s the dating scene and the dictionary. We’ve found terms for every little behaviour that previous generations either didn’t know or dismissed. We started with Ghosting (a date who disappears halfway into courtship). Then, we coined Zombeing (when the ghoster returns). We learnt about Micro-cheating (minor flirtations), Pocketing (hiding a partner from your social circle), Nanoships (short-lived connections) and Kittenfishing (like catfishing but without a fake identity). You know how exes reappear with no intention to reconnect? There’s a name for that too: Paperclipping.
Sigh. All this vocabulary-building and no one’s any closer to finding a good partner. “Honestly, even as a relationship therapist, I find it hard to keep up,” says Kasturi Mahanta, relationship therapist. “The rapid introduction of new terminology can make dating seem more complicated than it needs to be.”
To be fair, some terms help. Mansplaining, benching and gaslighting make us more aware, less gobsmacked about common behaviours. They show us what we should and shouldn’t tolerate when dealing with people. So, in a world of too many terms, what’s the definition of Enough?
Nuance or nuisance?An oversupply of new dating terms simply sets unrealistic expectations and encourages miscommunication in budding relationships. A couple might automatically assume there is ghosting or breadcrumbing instead of having an open conversation about being present for the other. “If a term fuels paranoia and complicates a relationship, it’s just jargon,” says Shivani Misri Sadhoo, marriage counsellor and psychologist.
Besides, the behaviours aren’t new – they’re just packaged under new terms, making people hyper-aware and overly analytical. Ekta Bhanushali, psychologist and relationship coach, explains benching in the context of arranged matches. “In previous generations, it was not uncommon for a family to consider four to five matrimonial offers at the same time.” In modern dating, it’s demonised as benching, not accounting for the fact that everyone deserves some time to pick the right partner.
Like, comment, hateOf course, social media amplifies this, as it does almost everything else. “Now these niche terms go viral,” says Bhanushali. “And online dating, which introduces new ways to interact—or avoid interacting—gives the lexicon more currency.”
Consider how many terms were spawned as Tinder, swipe-selection and virtual dates took off. There’s “orbiting” (keeping an eye on someone’s social media but never engaging), or “soft-launching” (subtly introducing your partner online).
It creates a new power dynamic – those who recognise niche behaviours and try to understand them, versus those who know a bunch of terms and go looking for them, missing out on what it means to build a relationship. “It essentially exaggerates minor interactions and creates a hyper-aware, label-driven approach to relationships,” says Misri Sadhoo. “People even end up prematurely ending relationships based on these terms, instead of focusing on actual compatibility.” Bhanushali adds. No wonder so many people are disappointed.
Small words, big ideasAcademics who study language evolution often draw parallels between the words we’ve preferred and the ideas that shaped the generation that preferred them. Our new dating lexicon, then, simply mirrors an analytical approach to finding companionship. Not a good look.
“Today, rather than letting relationships unfold naturally, many approach dating with caution, fearing terms like ‘ghosting’ or ‘breadcrumbing’ that create anxiety rather than foster genuine connections,” warns Misri Sadhoo.
The way out? Don’t imbibe everything as the gospel truth. And give humans more importance than you give to labels. Not every grand romantic gesture is “love-bombing” (excessive flattery and attention to gain control). If your partner isn’t introducing you to their close circle, is it “pocketing”, or simply that they aren’t ready for such introductions yet?
And account for your own behaviour too. Many singles like to complain that they were Caspered (politely ghosted) without considering how they may have appeared to the other person. And remember that even without a dictionary, the fundamental needs in a relationship — love, connection and companionship — remain the same. “At the end of the day, it’s the internet—discretion is necessary,” says Mahanta.
