The week's headlines

PM: My Cabinet is more cohesive than Nehru's

Mani Shankar Aiyar says no, it isn't; Chidambaram says yes, it is; A. Raja says let's hope it never is; Kamal Nath says of course it is; Digvijay Singh says don't be silly; Montek says Kamal Nath is wrong and Mamata says rifts are the work of the CPI(M).

Pak High Commissioner to Britain: Pak match-fixing scandal an Indian conspiracy

Other Indian plots include the bomb blasts in Pakistan, the Taliban, Osama bin Laden and the floods.

Strike disrupts normal life in West Bengal

Delhi Commonwealth Games organisers boast they can disrupt normal life even without a strike. But Bombay Municipal Corporation says they are the best, since they can disrupt normal life without any Games, through a judicious mixture of potholes, falling trees and waterlogging.

RBI governor backs higher pay for bank executives

In other news, sources in the government say it's unlikely the RBI governor will be granted an extension

PM: not possible to distribute free food to 37 per cent of population below the poverty line

"A Right to Malnutrition Act should take care of the problem," say politicians. Officials argue that the country won't be able to export wheat if we distribute it. They propose exporting the poor instead.

High-rise parking proposed on land meant for zoo

Fat cats, mall rats, big fish, land sharks and lucky dogs will however be allowed to park.

Kabul steps in to stop run on biggest bank

"Why can't they keep their money in Swiss banks, like normal people," asks a peeved minister of finance, chafing at the extra work.

Munda promises stable government in Jharkhand

He regrets, however, that the state will remain as unstable as ever, as will the lives of ordinary people.

Delhi Games work sluggish but sex work set to soar

Workers will work untiringly all through the night to make the Games a success.

China's wealth breeds hostility

The Chinese are being accused of being bourgeois pigs, running dogs of capitalism, lackeys of imperialism and paper tigers.

Mastermind of German Bakery blast held

The earlier mastermind has however been released. "We discovered after extensive questioning that he was neither a master, nor does he have a mind," says the police chief.

101 athletes fail dope test this year

Athletes put it down to the epidemic of dengue and malaria. "I took these muscle-building drugs to protect myself against the flu," claimed a weightlifter.

PM: Let us hope inflation will come down in coming months. I am no astrologer.

He added he was not into tarot cards either. But he did admit a weakness for an arcane branch of voodoo called economics.

Many ministers declare assets worth only a few lakhs

"No wonder nobody wants to be a minister," said a political analyst. "It's no surprise they had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the swearing-in ceremony."

Papua New Guinea man survives three weeks at sea on just rainwater and coconuts Mamata Banerjee says the CPI(M) tried to steal his coconuts.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. The views expressed by the author are personal.