The Mullah of Swat

The Swat Valley may be in the news for the wrong reasons now, but the place was immortalised in the 19th century by a poem called ‘The Akond of Swat’ by Edward Lear, the world’s best writer of limericks and nonsense verse. Akond was the title of the rulers of Swat. Here’s how his poem starts off:

“Who, or why, or which, or what Is the Akond of Swat?Is he tall or short, or dark or fair?Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or a chair,Or squatThe Akond of Swat?”

I have taken the liberty of updating the poem, incorporating some of the more recent aspects of Swat history. Here it goes:

Is he a Mullah with a beard, Or is he plain and simply weird,Or what?Fazlullah of SwatIs he a very silly young manOr is he with the TalibanOr just a bad lotThe Mullah of Swat?

Does he send out a decent vibeIs he a credit to his tribeOr a blotThe Mullah of Swat?

Does he really like the shariaAnd isn’t that a big barrierTo free thoughtFazlullah of Swat?

Is he fat, is he thinIs he an amiable fellow with a grinOr does he plotThe Mullah of Swat?

Does he like all the whippingAll the stoning and the flayingOr is he distraughtThe Mullah of Swat?

Is he rich or is he brokeDoes he drink Pepsi or CokeOr Gold SpotFazlullah of Swat?

Does he want an eye for an eyeOr is he an agent of the ISIOr will he get caughtThe Mullah of Swat?

Is it part and parcel of his rulesTo torch the local girls’ schoolsOr notFazlullah of Swat?

Why does he keep his women in purdahWhy does he insist they wear a burqaAnd squatBefore Fazlullah of Swat?Why doesn’t Pakistan call his bluffThey should have acted very toughAnd foughtFazlullah of Swat.

Will he read this with a smileWill he ponder and think a whileOr will he snortThe Mullah of Swat?

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint