Soorpanakha Singh

Oof, what a relief, we’ve been saved by a whisker. First we had that terrible solar eclipse and now this. Thank Shri Ram, Jaswant Singh has been expelled and we’ve managed to protect our ideological chastity. I shudder to think of what would have happened had he been allowed to continue writing such heresy. I’ve heard these vices grow on you.

You start in a small way, let’s say by praising your local maulvi. Before you know it, you’ve started defending Jinnah and Muhammad Ali. From there it’s just a short step to supporting Osama bin Laden. Next thing you know you could be praising that American Muslim singer Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam, usually known by the suspicious name of Akon. And where would we be if that happened?

Let Jaswant Singh’s expulsion serve as a stern warning to all fifth columnists and pseudo-secularists. His left-wing tendencies are very childish. Students of history, including the renegade Jaswant Singh, will recall Lenin’s tract on ‘Left-wing communism — an infantile disorder’.

Oops, did I mention Lenin? I’m just using him for making a point and I think he’s an absolutely evil guy, so please don’t expel me. And for those who’ve never heard of Jinnah and wonder how he’s relevant now, he was a vile malevolent pseudo-secularist who drank Scotch and split the country. You can always spot a pseudo-secularist by his drink. We true nationalists prefer the swadeshi tharra and do things like expelling people for writing books on Jinnah, making the country fit for the 21st century.

Incidentally, Jaswant’s analogy of him turning from Hanuman into Ravana is plain wrong and shows his ignorance of Indian history. We all know he is actually Ravana’s sister Soorpanakha in disguise who tried to seduce Shri Ram, who of course can be compared to Advaniji, while Rajnath Singh is clearly Lakshman who cut off Soorpanakha aka Jaswant Singh’s nose.

No, of course I haven’t read the book, nor do I intend to. How can I, when Modiji has banned it? I understand Modiji hasn't read it either, but there was a review that said Jaswant quoted some guy called Maulana Azad that Sardar Patel helped bring about the partition of India by his intransigence. Imagine quoting a maulana, how low can you go.

The ban on the book keeps alive a great Indian tradition. First Charandas Chor and now Jaswant’s book, both of them banned in states ruled by us. Way to go, swayamsevak. Awesome, pracharak. Actually, there are many more that need to be banned. I believe there’s a book called Babar-Nama and another called Arabian Nights, both of which sound pretty bad. All we have to do now is ask Arun Shourie and Yashwant Sinha to write books praising guys like Akbar or Shoaib Akhtar and we can then expel them immediately.

Trouble is, we live in a pseudo-secular country in which people rush out and buy any book that’s been banned. Jaswant is bound to get rich on the royalties from his Jinnah book. In fact, I'm sorely tempted to write a book full of really nasty things about the Mughal emperor Aurangzeb. It’ll probably be banned in the Congress-ruled states and I too could make some money.

People often ask me what prompted Jaswant Singh’s downfall. Was it only his book on Jinnah? I think not. I’m sure he got some bad karma because he ate something during the solar eclipse.