Getting a leak peek

The WikiLeaks exposé has shaken up the diplomatic world, with its candid assessment of world leaders, such as Nicolas Sarkozy being called an 'emperor with no clothes', the German chancellor described as 'Teflon Merkel' and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being compared to Hitler.

But things have improved dramatically at embassies after WikiLeaks, as can be seen from these very recent reports ostensibly from US embassies around the world, handed over to me by a person who said he was Kim Jong-Un but who looked a lot like Hillary Clinton. Embassy at Islamabad: Our meeting with President Zardari was extremely fruitful. We started off with bananas, went on to watermelons and ended with oranges.

He said all that talk about him being 'Mr 10 Per Cent' is nonsense. I believe him, because I caught a glimpse of what seemed to be wings sprouting from his shoulders and a halo around his head. He told us he loved India and I agreed to sell him those submarines to guard against the threat from Cuba and the fighter aircraft as a deterrent against North Korea stealing their uranium.

General Kayani walked in at that moment with a chap with a huge turban and a Kalashnikov. I wondered aloud whether he was from the Taliban but Kayani said he was a cousin in fancy dress and we all had a bit of a laugh over that. Kayani then told Zardari to tell us that Pakistan's nuclear facilities are well-protected, so I gave them billions of dollars in cash to buy arms against the Taliban. The turbaned guy went out and came back with a Stinger missile which he said he had bought with the money we gave them last time. It was a wonderful meeting.

Islamabad is a beautiful city and they love us Americans. Oh, by the way, I'm a bit sick of driving around in the old embassy car and would prefer something new. Could you send over a tank please?

Embassy at Paris: Is there any world leader who is better dressed than French president Sarkozy? I have always thought he resembles an emperor with lots of clothes.

Embassy at Kazakhstan: I love it out here, it's so exciting and I enjoy meeting the president and other influential personalities in the government like his son-in-law and mother-in-law and other in-laws and cousins and so on who are all doing fabulous work.

Embassy at Tripoli: Mea culpa. I sent that report about President Gaddafi's voluptuous blonde Ukrainian nurse out of sheer envy. Why should he, I thought, have a voluptuously blonde Ukrainian nurse when I do not? I realise my mistake now. A great leader like him is entitled to not just one but a dozen voluptuously blonde Ukrainian nurses.

Embassy at Moscow: I must protest strongly against that cable from our Madrid embassy describing Russia as a mafia state. It's nothing of the sort.

Postscript: Could you please urgently send the money we need to ransom a couple of our kidnapped employees?

Embassy at Seoul: I have received a letter from North Korea thanking us for calling Kim Jong Il "a flabby old man". The letter says Mr Kim is elated we didn't call him "a creepy conceited weirdo tinpot perverted wacky butcher" as usual. He also claims he's working on the flab and is taking aerobics classes.

Embassy at Timbuktu: If you guys don't transfer me out of this godforsaken place at once, I'm going to WikiLeaks.

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint The views expressed by the author are personal)