A beginners’ guide to the inspired lunacy of Shia LaBeouf

Shia LaBeouf (binomial name: Shialus LaBeouferthalus), kingdom: Animalia, class: Mammalia, suborder: Deranged actor. The creature originates from the arid state of California, usually found attracting attention to itself in a series of bizarre antics to satisfy its flamboyant ego.

In November of 2015, the creature, in yet another attempt to revisit its prime years (2007-2011) displayed behaviour many found at once irritating, narcissistic and impressive.

Exhibit A (LaBeouf) has now been under observation for many years. Stacks of data have been accumulated, but no firm conclusion with regards to his growing erratic tendencies has been derived.

In another attempt to gather conclusive results, we collect some of the most notable occurrences over the past few years.

Uncontrollable mating

The most logical explanation for Shia’s seemingly out of control mating with his partners could be that he was, at the time, a hot-blooded young male. Some say he still is. But his explanation, “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” is just the primitive reaction one would expect from a LaBeouf at that age.

Repeated instances of unabashed mimicry

LaBeouf, finally a fully-grown adult, attempted to stand on its own two feet with a grand display of its many skills. The film (Howardcantour.com) that he made was later found to be plagiarised. Displaying what at the time was understood as remorse, LaBeouf made a characteristically loud apology, which, as it turns out, was also proven to be plagiarised. Questions were raised as to whether LaBeouf was mocking his observers but alas, no conclusions were drawn.

Questions about appearance

After a brief period spent under the radar after the plagiarism fiasco, LaBeouf resurfaced at an event famous for its superficiality. But this time with a bag on his face, apparently upset that he wasn’t famous anymore.

#IAMSORRY aka ferocious attacks on LaBeouf’s person

LaBeouf locked himself in a room. In it were a few props and outside it a queue of people waiting to witness what fresh hell the creature had cooked up. A few months later, LaBeouf alleged that in that room, he had been sexually assaulted. Investigations are still ongoing.

Diversification of talents (rapping, motivational speaking)

LaBeouf, by now completely unhinged, made a brief but memorable appearance at a park. There, he attempted to showcase heretofore unseen talents. His freestyle rap may have been the result of a change in diet and/or climate, but it entertained a few random passers-by.

This was followed by a meltdown of sorts. Not a stranger to drug-fueled rants anymore, LaBeouf stood himself in front of a greenscreen and proceeded to scream motivational sentences at anyone who displayed the slightest sign of interest.

His partners and the violence that they inspired

LaBeouf, sensing a lack of appreciation when it came to his work, sent, as an audition tape, a video of himself engaging in sexual acts to Lars Von Trier (definitely not a man you should be sending such videos to unless you want to be a part of Nymphomaniac, which, incidentally was exactly what LaBeouf wanted). There, he found love. And soon afterward began publically attacking his love.

#ALLMYMOVIES

Which brings us to the latest of LaBeouf’s crazy antics. This time, it was observed that the LaBeouf was attempting something that seemed like introspection. He sat down and looked back at his life in film, one after another in a 3-day-long marathon. He wanted company, because LaBeoufs do not function too well alone. And everyone went and observed a challenging individual observe himself.

So, umm, observe, dear reader, the LaBeouf in his natural habitat

I am awesome!

I am so awesome man!

This is the best night of my life!

Ok, now I’m tired.

But I’m still the awesomest.

Inconclusive conclusions

As always, this latest stunt of his inspired much ridicule. But, we found ourselves wondering, “could it be? Could we really be falling for the LaBeouf? After all these years of unemotional observation, could his cry for help/love finally have paid off? Maybe.”

Assorted Shia LaBeoufisms