A sermon on morality by the shy tiger of Kolkata zoo

The white tiger in Kolkata's Alipore Zoo, who has been making headlines for refusing to mate, has refuted allegations that he's shy, insisting instead that he is trying to preserve Indian cultural heritage by refraining from public indecency.

"Sex before marriage, that too in public places, is contrary to Indian tradition. I have no interest in indulging with females, no matter how painted or dented they may be," the 10-year-old Vishal is reported to have told zookeepers, referring to tigress Rupa, whom zoo authorities had pinned their hopes on as a suitable mate.

While the tiger's insistence on a marriage certificate has left authorities flummoxed, his restraint has won him admiration from some of the country's highest moral authorities.

"We are thinking of roping him in to lecture school students and people from other religions on a truly Hindu way of life," a senior member of a strident right-wing group has said.

Meanwhile, Kolkata zoo authorities have been continuing their efforts to increase Vishal's sexual drive through various methods.

"We have tried everything, from giving him a famous baba's 'Putrajeevak' medicine to seeking a godwoman's help to bless the barren couple with a child. The zoo needs more tigers, so we are desperate to make him desperate," his keeper Jimmy said.

Sources have revealed that the zoo is even planning to petition the government to lift its ban on pornography. "We have a few National Geographic and Discovery documentaries ready to show Vishal, in case the government relents. We know porn makes everyone morally corrupt, but this might be our only hope," they lamented.

They have assured the government, however, that Rupa will be shielded from the videos. "Females are more easily influenced by depravity," they explained.

(The views expressed in this satirical piece are personal. The writer tweets as @vanadessejoyee.)