How to become a convert to the art of conversion

A great debate is raging in the country on conversion and re-conversion. Here's a survey of what key stakeholders think:

Conversion entrepreneur: Tired of having to trudge from one conversion to another? Don't have the time to go through all the rituals? No worries, all you have to do is log on to www.netconversions.com and get converted or reconverted to the religion of your choice in a jiffy, with your selection of background music ranging from bhajans to hymns to Lady Gaga.

Conversion wholesaler: Are you short of your monthly conversion target? Don't panic, just give us a call. We are in the conversion aggregation business, delivering mass converts at reasonable prices to converters for a rock bottom commission.

Conversion fashionista: What should you wear on conversion day? We at Conversion Fashions bring you the latest in conversion suits, gowns and, most importantly, innerwear, or what you will wear next to your soul.

Conversion bookseller: Do you want to convert folks to your religion but are unsure how to go about it? Do you lie awake at night wondering what will lure them to your fold? Worry not, for you could become a champion converter in no time at all. All you have to do is purchase my book, 'Conversion for dummies'. For bulk orders, I throw in copies of the old classic, 'Ten easy steps to reconversion.'

Professional converter: After majoring in Conversion Marketing, I joined Souls for Hire, the best consultants in the conversion business. I have a decade of experience, working my way up from Sub-Converter to Senior Assistant Converter. I can proudly say I have converted a total of 6,753 convertees to 17 different faiths. Steady supply of souls guaranteed.

Exotic conversion arranger: Are you tired of the same old faiths? Want to try out a new and exotic one? We, at Premium Conversion Services, offer you a choice of little-known faiths like Falun Gong, Mormonism, or the ancient Aztec cult of Huitzlopochtli. Money back if you go to Hell, or are reincarnated as a dog.

Serial convertee: Want to convert but don't know how to go about it? I have had a decade of inside knowledge, being converted, reconverted and re-reconverted 81 times, building up a tidy bank balance, three houses and two yachts.

Scientific converter: We at Scientific Converters Ltd offer a wide range of Catalytic Converters to catalyse and speed up your conversion process. Do download our catalytic converter app.

Compulsive convertee: Doctor, I have this terrible problem - whenever I read of a religion, I have an irresistible urge to convert to it. On particularly bad days, I have converted thrice before breakfast and nine times by lunch. Could you suggest an anti-conversion pill?

Conversion economist: Conversion, when it is accompanied by money changing hands, is a potent anti-poverty weapon in the hands of the poor. The question to debate is: what should be the right price for souls?

manas.c@livemint.com

(Manas Chakravarty is consulting editor, Mint. The views expressed by the author are personal)