A cock and bull story: Time to hire a beef sniffer to sort out this cow mess
It has been decided to recruit beef sniffers to augment our police force with immediate effect. Selected candidates will be part of an elite commando unit
(Times of India, September 7: Haryana cops to ‘sniff out’ beef in biryani)
Applications are invited for the post of Elite Beef Sniffer.
It has been decided to recruit beef sniffers to augment our police force with immediate effect. Selected candidates will be part of an elite commando unit. This is a great opportunity to be part of the only beef detective force in the world. We furnish below the requirements for the post.
Job description: The job involves being able to detect the presence of beef in biryani, kebabs, korma, burgers, rolls, mince, pickles, etc by sniffing and visual inspection. Successful candidates will be protecting our nation from beef-eating hordes out to destroy our ethos. The job ranks very high in the scale of national priorities.
Read: Shorts, Ashoka, cows and travel broke the BJP’s back
Extensive travelling is required, as beef sniffers are expected to leave no biryani unturned, no kebab uninspected, no korma unstirred.
Arrangements are in hand to enact a BFSPA (Beef Forces Special Powers Act) on the lines of the AFSPA (Armed Forces Special Powers Act) to provide immunity to our beef forces for acts of vandalism and bigotry carried out while on duty.
Ancillary duties during lean periods: Tracking minor crimes such as murder, rape etc.
Essential requirements: Candidates should not be full of bull. They must have a beef with beef. They must not be all sizzle and no steak. Must be curious, always asking ‘Where’s the beef?’
Qualifications: A keen sense of smell. Ability to distinguish between beef, mutton, pork, hippo, etc. Those who can spot the difference between buffalo meat and beef will have an advantage. So will candidates who can spot suspected beef-eaters.
Read: Buffaloes should lead the ‘Make in India’ charge
Physique: Beefy. Beefcakes welcome.
Experience: Being part of a lynch mob will come in handy.
Entrance test: The applicant will be led blindfolded into a field which has sheep, goats, cows, buffaloes and bulls. Successful candidates will be able to separate the cows from the other animals, relying on their noses alone.
Emoluments: Successful candidates will be paid regular salaries applicable to police officers. Beef Sniffers will be entitled to two cows, also known as cash cows. The number of cows will increase as the sniffers are promoted. For instance, the Inspector General (Beef) will be entitled to an entire cow farm. Beef Sniffers can sample unlimited amounts of biryani, kebabs, etc during the course of their duties.
Don’t worry, if you join us, we’ll kill the fatted calf for you.
Read: Let’s shape India’s future, one small bite at a time
Training: The selected candidates will go through a rigorous training course, at the successful conclusion of which they will be awarded the degree of BB (Bachelor of Beef). Graduate beef sniffers will be able to distinguish between Kobe beef, Aberdeen Angus, Jersey and our local varieties.
So what are you waiting for? Apply now. Grab the bull by its horns. Don’t wait for the cows to come home.
manas.c@livemint.com
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed are personal