A Calmer You, by Sonal Kalra: Till fights do us apart

Yeh joke thaa (This was a joke). Don’t look so shocked. Now I can’t even crack a silly joke Why the hell do couples fight...a tension topic worth writing on. The same guy or girl who you can’t live without, who is the sole reason why you could become a valid shareholder of Airtel since you were single-handedly responsible for 80% of their gross income vide your all-night-long lovey-dovey phone calls, the same person for whom you were willing to fight with your parents, and the whole world a la Mughal-e-Azam...suddenly that very person becomes the one you fight cats and dogs with. You start to yearn for time with friends, away from him or her. If in the beginning of a relationship, you spent sleepless nights because you wanted her, NOW you spend sleepless night because you want her...to go to hell.

Although we’ve discussed this topic previously, I still fail to get my head around why it happens, with almost everyone. I’m saying forget about all the scientific research being done on the evolution of the universe...someone please do research on why the same person we could kill for, becomes the person we could kill, once he or she becomes a part of our life.

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In the little time I have spent on this earth (just my way of subtly emphasising that I’m actually younger than you think), I’ve come across a countless number of couples, married or otherwise, who pretend to be all happy when they are in public. Take them aside, down two drinks, and they would tell you how deeply dissatisfied they are because of the constant arguments or fights they have. It seems as if no one is perfectly happy with their relationship. Not that it ever stops others from getting into them. Try telling a friend to think twice before committing and he/she turns around and says, ‘Khud toh kar liya. Ab humein rokte ho’ (You have done it yourself. Now you are stopping us). Fine. Jao karo...aur maro (Go ahead...go to hell). Anyway, jokes apart, I don’t mean to sound cynical though that’s exactly what I do with all the depressing arguments above. The simple point is, it’s an unfortunate reality of life that although two individuals come together because of similarities, all that they start focussing on once they commit, are differences.

So, I thought why not take a concrete step forward in improving your love life. No, I didn’t ask you to rush and get shaktivardhak (energising) capsules. If you are in a relationship, these are the four things I want you to pledge. If it helps, send me money.

Pledge 1: I will not demand, or expect to be appreciated till I appreciate the other: It’s a simple rule in life. Give and take. Sadly, in the comfort zone of a committed relationship, we often forget the ‘give’ part. Try to remember the last time you had expressed appreciation for something your partner had done. And I mean ‘expressed’, in so many words. Don’t just say ‘it’s understood from whatever I do’, because sometimes it’s not. Think of your partner as a fool who wouldn’t understand till he/she is told that they are valued. Maybe they are indeed foolish. I mean, look at yourself. They chose you. (Sorry for the PJ, just felt like it.)

Pledge 2: I will make my relationship my priority: I know you are thinking I’m stating obvious things. That, my dear, is all that I do. You’d be surprised how many still don’t follow it. We all know the theory behind how important it is to give importance to our relationship. A lot of us fail miserably when it comes to the practicals. Till the time you are desperate to get someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend, they remain the centre of your universe. The moment they are settled into your life, your attention veers towards other things and you start taking them for granted. Realign your priorities, my friend, before it’s too late. Your boss will not come to comfort you and stand by you when you are down and out. Your spouse will. Hopefully.

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Pledge 3: I’ll never get happiness out of proving my partner wrong: I feel that if everyone in a relationship sincerely takes this one vow, 80% of our life’s problems will solve on their own. We behave as if we are in some kind of perpetual competition with our mate. And so much energy and effort is wasted in proving the other person wrong. It’s a battle out there in life anyway. But remember, the two of you are not on opposite sides.

Pledge 4: Every time I fight, I will not cry ‘let’s break up’: We love sitting on a short fuse. And then we love reaching drastic conclusions at the drop of a hat. The next time you are about to blurt out ‘let’s break up’ or ‘let’s get divorced’ just because you’ve had a nasty argument, pinch yourself. On the inside of your elbow, because I’ve tried and it hurts really bad over there. A relationship is no joke. Don’t treat it as one. Grow up.

Sonal Kalra feels that just like relationship counsellors, there should also be — somehow she’s turning into a —‘don’t-get-into-a-relationship’ counsellors. They’ll do better business. Mail your thoughts at sonal.kalra@ hindustantimes.com or facebook.com/sonalkalraofficial. Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra