The grief of childlessness for those who want kids
What makes this harder is an unwritten implicit expectation that society has around the idea that every woman should be able to conceive. So very often women end up feeling a sense of shame, helplessness, feeling they are not good enough and also blaming their own bodies for not being able to conceive
A 39-year-old woman tells me in one of our sessions, “It’s been five years of trying to conceive. We have gone through every possible fertility treatment, and I’m exhausted now. With every passing year there is a sadness and hopelessness that has set in. Nobody seems to recognize what it does to a woman’s body and her self-esteem.”
The inability to give birth, evokes a deep sense of loss, and in turn, grief for those who have dreamt of becoming a parent and having their own children. In the last seven to eight years, there has been a significant increase in the number of women across age groups, who reach out for emotional support due to their struggles with infertility. While the process of wanting to be parents, is a shared dream for a couple, it’s the women who reach out far more in therapy than do the men. In very few instances, couples reach out together when it begins to impact the marriage.
The reality is that this grief often remains invisible and whether it’s in our family, workplace or society at large, the loss can often go unnoticed. As a result, this falls under what is known as disenfranchised grief. Kenneth Doka who is credited with coining the term, and someone who is an expert in the field of thanatology, defines it, “As grief that results when a person experiences a significant loss and the resultant grief is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. In short, although the individual is experiencing a grief reaction, there is no social recognition that the person has a right to grieve or a make a claim for social sympathy or support.” This is true for most people who struggle with infertility. People often feel that they can’t openly share with others about the process of going through the various IVF cycles, the cyclical pattern of hope and helplessness when the cycle is not a success. There is no space created to acknowledge this loss and my hypothesis is that often men and sometimes even women don’t give themselves the permission to grieve and feel this loss. As my client mentioned, “We have finally chosen to pause all treatments. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried over the last five years of trying, thinking about who we were as a couple before the treatment, the loss of dreams about having our own child. Yet, it’s only in therapy I have begun to see it as grief. My husband hasn’t talked to anyone, including me about this and it makes me feel sad but also very lonely.”
What makes this harder is an unwritten implicit expectation that society has around the idea that every woman should be able to conceive. So very often women end up feeling a sense of shame, helplessness, feeling they are not good enough and also blaming their own bodies for not being able to conceive. People also tend to forget that infertility can be the result of various causes, sometimes those attributed to women and at other times those attributed to men. Irrespective, women tell me how it’s assumed that it has to do with the woman and as a result they have to face intrusive questions from family members and even absolute strangers. Often clients tell me that when people remind them that adoption, surrogacy are options they can still take, they forget that the loss of not being able to conceive and what they went through over years, continues to haunt, and has impacted their sense of hope. As a collective culture, we need to remember that asking personal questions about having a child, can be uncomfortable and evoke a sense of grief for those who are struggling to conceive.
We need to acknowledge that infertility is difficult. As a couple, choose to acknowledge the grief and give yourself the permission to grieve. If you find it overwhelming to support each other or talk openly, reach out to a mental health professional. If you are supporting a friend or a family member, choose to ask them how they want to be supported. Being mindfully present, honouring a couple’s silence and sometimes just listening with an intent to understand is all that’s needed.
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