Complex sibling dynamic, and how to navigate it
Sibling relationships can impact mental health and self-esteem. Therapy often deals with jealousy, lack of emotional connection, and criticism. Acknowledging the impact is the first step to repairing the relationship, but closure and acceptance may require inner work or professional help. Making a mindful choice to invest in the relationship can have a positive impact.
A 33-year-old male in therapy tells me, “My brother and I share a very difficult relationship. I feel he is kind and affectionate with everyone, except me. This has been the case ever since we were kids. I always found him to be distant when it came to our relationship. He is five years older to me and I have constantly looked for his validation. He seemed like the favorite child and my parents were very proud of him. I can’t talk about this to anyone else, since my friends know him well as they would often visit our home, and talking to my wife about this may colour her perception of him but I really want to repair my relationship with him.”
The theme of sibling dynamics often gets talked about in therapy sessions. They are complex, layered, and in turn, impact client’s life and self-esteem to a great extent. Sibling concerns that show up in therapy are mostly around jealousy that continues into adulthood, lack of emotional connection, support between siblings, bickering, fights over property, money and then the most common one around constant criticism and judgmental attitude towards one another’s life choices and decisions. Lastly, in relation to estranged relationships where there has been no communication or contact for years, and yet the client continues to be in pain or distress. Whether it’s our novels or sitcoms, they are filled with these narratives of sibling rivalry and competitiveness.
The impact that sibling dynamic has on one’s mental health has often been underrated and it’s common for adults to mention that even their closest friends don’t know the full details as it can get awkward or painful.
While there are siblings who are close to each other and have a relatively simple, uncomplicated relationship, my experience as a therapist is that large number of clients have an ambivalent or complex dynamic with their sibling. As a result, I have made a mindful choice of working with one sibling and not seeing the other sibling even if two siblings are on good terms with each other.
The relationship we share with our siblings impacts not just our wellbeing, but it also impacts the relationship with our parents and even our partner. Learning to acknowledge the impact that it’s having on your life, family unit and even on your children is the first step.
I remember a client mentioning to me, “I have stopped participating in the competition that exists and I focus on our similarities or shared values. It seems to work; I realize my sibling has noticed it and things are becoming slightly better.” This is one of my important learnings from working with families is that if one person begins to make the change and chooses to behave in relation to their own values, quite often it leads to change in the other person too. This desire to mend, needs to come from within. When someone tries to enforce it, it loses its value. At the same time, there are instances where a sibling may not be open to dialogue or doing the repair work even after you have softened your stance and taken multiple steps. In those situations, it may be important to ask yourself, how can you find closure and acceptance by doing the inner work. It may be okay to reach out to a mental health professional, if you find it distressing and need resources to be able to do so, since this can be very hard. If you find yourself in a sibling dynamic where there is a threat to your physical, emotional safety, manipulation, assault then that requires learning to draw boundaries both internal and external that allow you to feel safe.
One of our tasks in adulthood is acknowledging that both our siblings and we have limited capabilities and our own flaws, and how can we reimagine a relationship that allows for more acceptance and less disappointment and resentment. Making a choice to invest in this can have a positive impact on your mental health.
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